More Elephants

I mentioned in the comments section to my last post about elephants ("When I See An Elephant Walk At A Moderate Pace...." I would include here a link but you just need to scroll down about two seconds.) that one of the mini-linklets mentioned in that post deserves its own post. That post is now here. Here is the link again: here.

It is a link to a Google Answers question and answer sparring session. Some guy from India asks this question:

I live in the south Indian city of Madras (Chennai). I want to buy an
elephant. Where can I get one? How much will it cost to maintain? Can
I commute to work on it?

This is a serious question by a serious guy and he catches flack for it by Internet jokesters. The whole thing is really too good not to read. If anyone reading this doubts the greatness of the Internet, just keep this in mind: an exchange like this--bringing together serious Indian elephant-buyers and guys who sit on Google all day and make fun of serious Indian elephant-buyers--would not be possible.

A Little Re-Examination Never Hurt Anyone

As I was sitting in a boring stats class (is there any other kind?) I started examining the pile of stapled papers on my desk because this seemed to be way more interesting than whatever was going on in the front of the room. I started thinking: what is the best way to staple papers? I normally staple at a perfectly horizontal angle because this seemed to be the neatest on the page. I realized, though, that the aesthetic value of a horizontal staple might not be the most important consideration. What about, for example, ease of page-turning? Is there a better way to staple papers? I ask and the Internet answers. I found this website which asked the same exact question and actually put in the time to test the different staple angles. He (or possibly: They) conclude that a 67.5 angle is the chosen one:

A slight twist on the classic 45 degrees fixing. This has a little more flair as it starts to adhere to some of the Golden Mean rules. My personal preference and the one I think Da Vinci would have gone for (and he may have done - if only the Vatican would allow us to see the books.).

Since I'm already on the topic of rethinking things that no one ever thinks about, I'll point out this website which is put together by a guy named Ian who is the self-proclaimed world expert on shoelaces. (Esquire did a piece on him, which is how I found his website.) He invented a new way to tie shoelaces, which he calls Ian's Knot. Also, he outlines 32 ways to lace your shoes. I chose a simple yet elegant Over-Under lacing method for my new pair of shoes. I think they look quite snazzy.

Snape, Snape, Severus Snape

After long deliberations and much philosophizing, I think I agree with the youtube commenter who calls this video the "the greatest thing ever."

I love YouTube

When I See An Elephant Walk At A Moderate Pace...

I went last night to the middle of the town, right near the Queens-Midtown Tunnel, in order to look at some elephants. The Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey Circus marches their elephants through midtown at around midnight once a year, every year, to transport these animals into the Garden in preparation for the circus. Seeing the elephants was kinda cool: even if I expected them to have more than ten. I was expecting at least two dozen, maybe even more. But I guess elephants are expensive. (This guy from India wants to know where to buy one. I applaud his creativity. Maybe the most worthwhile link I will ever post on this blog.)

The more cool part was hanging out in Midtown with other NYers who were very worked up about the elephants. Someone even started an elephant cheer that went like this: "El-e-phants! El-e-phants! El-e-phants!" I've never heard the word "elephant" so often in my life.

Sample Conversation:
Guy: Elephant, elephant elephant elephants elephant elephant?
Other Guy: Elephant? Elephant elephants, baby elephants elephants; Dumbo elephants elephant, Babar elephants elephant.

Another Sample Conversation:
Lady: I want to see the f-ing elephants!

Yet another sample conversation, this time taking the form of helpful advice offered by Etan:
Etan: Never get between a mother elephant and her young. You gotta trust me on this.

It is a special feeling to be united with other NYers, all galvanized by the truly worthy cause of: elephants.

How Orignal Am I?

I'm concerned that I don't think creatively enough. I like finding out about other people's good ideas and then telling all my friends about them. This is why the Internet is so helpful for me: it's chock full of good ideas (and, also, bad ideas; but I can usually recognize them for the bad ideas that they are and choose not tell my friends about them) ripe for the plucking.

Here is an idea which, I believe, is entirely my own: I want to start collecting Nerd T-Shirts. I'm very proud of this idea, because it is wholly my own. I'm not talking about T-Shirts that nerds wear; rather, I want the shirt itself to be nerdy. Here are two examples that I've seen actual people wear:

1. A friend of mine wore a T-Shirt, the front of which was emblazoned with the Rosetta Stone. Here's the link.
   
2. A camper of mine wore a T-Shirt advertising the Library of Congress. I couldn't find a picture of it online, but this alternative will serve our purposes: It was like this, but nerdier. I think his version had flying books.
   

This is one of my most original ideas. Be nice to it.

Pepperidge Farm Web Team: Not So Helpful

As part of my ongoing effort to determine how long important snack companies consider their products worthy of the description "NEW" in their advertisements, I sent this email to Pepperidge Farm on February 21:
I noticed that some new Pepperidge Farm products are labeled as "NEW," such as the decadent Marbella Chocolate Toffee cookies.. For how long does a product continue to bear the distinction of "NEW"? Pretty much every product is newer than Pepperidge Farm Goldfish Crackers, which debuted in 1962, after Margaret Rudkin discovered the snack cracker on a trip to Switzerland and returned to America with the recipe.. When does a product cease being "NEW"?

They sent me a nice email reassuring me that they read each email and will strive to reply within three business days. On March 23 (a bit longer than three business days) I received an email that contained this message "Re: Ref #: 003402818A" in the subject line. Their entirely unhelpful reply consisted of this:

M/M Avi, we received your message and appreciate your taking the
time to contact Pepperidge Farm.

Unfortunately, we are unable to provide you with the information you
requested. Any information available to the public can be found on our
website.

Thank you for visiting the Pepperidge Farm website.

Pepperidge Farm Web Team
dms

003402818A

Gee, thanks, Pepperidge Farm Web Team.

The search continues.

From The Way Too Much Information Dept.

The tubular lighting bulb which normally illuminates our bathroom is, tragically, dead.

It has yet to be replaced despite our repeated entreaties (OK, fine: it was only one entreaty) to YU Housing. This hasn't caused much discomfort during daylight hours (thankfully, an hour later due to DST), but it has led to some interesting lifestyle compromises during those hours when the sun don't shine.

I've recently told several people that I need to conclude the phone talk/g-chat session because I need to shower before it gets dark. This is not some type of bizarro Ramadan: I just wanted to shower with the benefit of light.

We've been forced to resort to all bathroom work by flashlight. Luckily, I purchased, a few years back, one of those Bluetoothesque, hands-free, coal-miner-style, flashlights. It's a wonderfully underrated experience to read The New Yorker by flashlight in the bathroom. More interesting, however, is the act of showering in the dark. It is, simultaneously, the most relaxing thing I have ever done and the most stressful thing I have ever done. I think that the stress will dissipate once I get used to the fact that I can't see how much shampoo I am using. I find myself showering unnecessarily just for the thrill.

Four of the five residents in my apartment are veterans of Camp Moshava and, therefore, shmutzes (one even is a veteran of some foreign army, although I forget which). As far as I can tell, the Moshava veterans have been better off than the fifth man: if nothing else, camp has taught us to be comfortable with our various bathroom functions even while blind.